BEGINNERS & SENIORS GUIDE TO COMPUTERS

Today, George Bush explained how God influences his foreign policy. "I base a lot of my foreign policy decisions on some things that I think are true. One, I believe there's an Almighty. And B, I believe one of the great gifts of the Almighty is the desire in everybody's soul, regardless of what you look like or where you live, to be free." Now, I have no problem if people want to worship God but perhaps there are more concrete and appropriate sources of information to help determine foreign policy. How about diplomatic relations, world history, trade relations, economics, civil rights to name a few? This just in - several new advisors have been appointed for members of the president's cabinet: Deputy Dawg - Dept. of Justice Jolly Green Giant - Dept. of Agriculture G.I. Joe - Dept. of Defense Zeus - Dept. of Energy Daddy Warbucks - Dept. of the Treasury 3 Little Pigs - Dept. of Housing & Urban Development John Henry - Dept. of Labor Paul Bunyan - Dept. of th...

A recent study revealed that Ty Pennington, the megaphone-wielding host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," isn't the most recognized name in Hollywood, but he carries the most clout on Madison Avenue. The celeb handyman, who sells his own line of housewares at Sears, is the best at getting consumers to pull out the credit card, a new study says. Sexpot Anna Nicole Smith, hotel heiress Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, supermodel Kate Moss and real estate mogul Donald Trump were all examples of celebs whose association made it less likely a person would buy a product, the study said. They're just marketing the wrong products. Here are some suggestions: Anna Nicole Smith - "a mind is a terrible thing to waste." Paris Hilton - Sony's "Low Blow", the new low-light video camera. Donald Trump - Men's Hair Club for Men. Britney Spears - Pop-Tarts. Kate Moss - "the only person who's been in Betty Ford more times than Gerald....

Superheroes like Superman and Spider-Man can save mankind from natural disasters, space aliens and evil mutants but there's one thing they are powerless to stop: Advertisers shilling products within the pages of the comic books they call home. In July, DC Comics, home to characters such as Batman and Aquaman, is launching "Rush City," a six-part miniseries that boasts visible promotional support from Pontiac. Over the past few months, Marvel Entertainment Inc. has begun putting the "swoosh" logo from Nike Inc. in the scenes of some of its titles, such as "New X-Men." Last week, Dodge finalized an ad pact that will include product placements in Marvel comics. Marvel, home of Spider-Man, Captain America and Sub-Mariner, may feature Dodge's new car, the Caliber, in the books' cityscapes, including on billboards, T-shirts or signs over the next four to eight months. We can look forward to these shameless plugs in the future: The Flash: ejaculatio...

Indians in a remote mountain village in southern Colombia are marketing a particularly refreshing soft drink that harks back to Coca-Cola's original formula, when "coca" was in the name for a reason. For six years, the Nasa have been quietly selling coca-flavored cookies, aromatic teas, wines and ointments at informal sidewalk stalls and in health food stores. Chewing coca leaves, which depresses the central nervous system, has enabled Indians to soften the effects of hunger, hard work and high altitude for centuries. I wonder how long it will take for these products to show up in the programmers lounge of Microsoft. Maybe then Windows Vista would ship on time. It's the "Real Thing."

Leaders of the Vermont Democratic Party voted Saturday to urge Congress to begin impeachment proceedings against President Bush. The vote makes Vermont's Democratic Party committee the fifth to do so, following New Mexico, Nevada, North Carolina and Wisconsin, party officials in Vermont said. Now we all know that the "repuglican" congress will ignore this (for know) just like they've ignored every other act of treason, corruption, dishonesty, crime and stupidity thus far. But the momentum is growing. Five states so far have come to their senses. That's 10% of the country. When the Democrats take back control of Congress in November perhaps we can end this reign of terror earlier than expected.

Debate rages on use of cervical cancer vaccine. While almost 100% effective, some contend use condones teen sex. A new vaccine that protects against cervical cancer has set up a clash between health advocates who want to use the shots aggressively to prevent thousands of malignancies and "social conservatives" who say immunizing teen-agers could encourage sexual activity. Groups working to reduce the toll of the cancer are eagerly awaiting the vaccine and want it to become part of the standard roster of shots that children, especially girls, receive just before puberty. Because the vaccine protects against a sexually transmitted virus, many conservatives oppose making it mandatory, citing fears that it could send a subtle message condoning sexual activity before marriage. Several leading groups that promote abstinence are meeting this week to formulate official policies on the vaccine. So here is a possible scenario: "Hey Barbie, I heard that new girl in schoo...

This is a link to Al Franken's opening remarks during a debate with the Queen of the Black Death, Ann Coulter. It is a must-read. The Nazi princess also had some wonderful and inciteful things to say: "It was fascinating being here for the [immigration] demonstrations this weekend. I guess that's why I didn't get clean towels in my hotel room this morning." "I haven't seen so many agitated Mexicans since the World Cup Soccer Games were in L.A." For more hilarious Coulter hijinks...

Men’s testicles may provide an “ethical” source of embryonic stem cells (ESCs), suggest new experiments in mice. A team in Germany has successfully grown mouse ESC-like cells from spermatagonial stem cells which normally turn into sperm. The ESC-like cells can be grown into all tissues of the mouse body, suggesting that if the same could be done in men, it would provide patients with a source of tissue-matched cells for repairing any damaged organs or tissue. So far, all existing colonies of human ESCs have been derived from surplus human embryos, leftover from infertility treatments. Because a human embryo is sacrificed in the process, many religious groups oppose such research, especially in the US where President George W. Bush has placed heavy restrictions on federal stem cell researchers. This is not what I had in mind when I said we should "grow some balls" and op...